There, there, I’m sure your dad will buy you that Bentley for Flag Day next year.
I made the mistake of watching 20 minutes of The Princesses of Long Island after the premiere of Real Housewives of NJ. It made me want to bash my brains in with a package of kosher hot dogs. Seriously, where do they find these people?! It’s good to know that they all still live at home in their late twenties. It makes me feel better waiting until I was 26 to move out of my parents house.
They open the show with some blonde girl being called an “old maid” at 27 (AHEM!) by her parents, while 24 year old sister is getting married to some grey-haired dude. She then visits her friend deemed “the prettiest girl on Rikers (Long) Island (PGORI)”, which might be considered a real achievement had it been in an area with a population more than 6. They complain how they each dated guys for a measly 10 months and were swiftly dropped off. The mistake was when the blonde girl (named Prada or something), showed a picture of her ex boyfriend. I almost wanted to vomit through my eyes! I have no idea what he actually looks like, his eyebrows completely cover his face and chest, but I think she can do a lot better. I mean, I’m sure an escaped gorilla can do a lot better than Prada’s ex. PGORI then continues to gulp down an entire bottle wine, while her dad watches across the table.
We then watch as a 4’10″ girl hobbles out the passengers side of daddy’s convertible into a nail salon. They BOTH proceed to get pedicures. The girl is so leeched on to her father, she needs his advice on what color to paint her toes. This took about 45 minutes. They eventually decide on red even though it’s too “racy” for the couple. This girl realizes she can’t put her 6″ heels (that she can’t even walk in) back on because it would smudge her pedicure. She forces her father to cart her to the front of the salon, where the owner was asked to CARRY HER back to daddy’s car. HE DIDN’T EVEN TIP HIM AFTER!
Cut to scene with blonde #2, a 26 year old living with her twin mother. She is dating some older guy with a tiny convertible, but probably not a tiny wallet. The not-tiny wallet part is likely the reason a 26 year old is willing to date him (bet he probably has a tiny something else too). Blonde #2 needs to learn how to cook because she’s been dating “old dude” for a few weeks now, and that is clearly enough time to expect a marriage proposal. Sadly, I’m sure they are both rabidly desperate enough to get married by episode 2. They’d have to, otherwise baby-daddy would be in a nursing home by Versace Lagerfeld’s 10th birthday. I had to change the channel during the “desperately seeking dinner” portion, my brain could take no more. I guess this will be my first and last snarky review of the 1st 20 minutes of The Real Princesses of Riker’s Island.
PS Bravo: this blog post was not an invite to welcome more episodes, or for you to create an actual The Real Princesses of Riker’s Island series.
In case you didn’t think I was already lame, I went to NKOTBSB two weekends in a row. Both shows were awesome in their own way. But I actually took pictures at the Fenway show on the weekend since I forgot my camera at the last show. While Ginny and I were walking Lansdowne to the entrance, a white van surrounded by police passed by . Two girls began racing towards the van, and then we figured out that someone famous must be in there! IT WAS BSB! I gave up trying to get a decent picture with screaming girls and hands flying everywhere so I made a video instead. Please enjoy the insanity:
I was pumped to see my favorite Back Street Boy, Brian.
Our lovely mayor of Boston, mumbles Menino, made a short intro at the start of the show. He declared it NKOTBSB Day in Boston and then MARK WAHLBERG showed up!
"Say hi to your motha for me"
Well Mark Wahlberg is nice and all, I’ll take a shirtless Donnie any day!
Oh yes, now on to the time I met Jordan Knight at a bar in Boston. A year or two before NKOTB got back together, my besty and I went to check out a Danny Woods acoustic set. While I was grabbing a beer, in walks JORDAN KNIGHT! I have no idea what happened next, but I awoke from my black-out with a picture of Jordan Knight. Apparently I just casually went up to him and asked for a quick picture. My friend was too starstruck to ask him for one, so I
bravely stupidly asked a slightly annoyed Jordan, for another picture. He didn’t sound to happy with me because I started a Jordan Knight photo explosion, but he obliged. Sorry Jordan! I’d like to think the photo riot we created that night (or knight!) is the reason why NKOTB got back together.
Yup, that's me with Jordan Knight. I got the right stuff.
Oh yes, and just to show how hardcore I am about my boybands, we also met Rich Cronin of LFO.
RIP Rich Cronin :(
I recently had the misfortune of watching this show. It follows a masochistic maternity concierge named Rosie, who subjects herself to the wrath of hormonal princesses that have never held a baby, let alone allowed themselves to “get fat”. One segment features a couple wishing to ask a nobleman to Godfather their child. Instead of suggesting a English tea service, she forces the couple, that has never used an oven before, to bake things that sound more like STD’s than desserts. First off, she expects this couple to whip up some “spotted dick” and gets frustrated when people laugh. Really lady?! You want to SERVE A DISH THAT SOUNDS LIKE A VENEREAL DISEASE and not laugh?!! Oh yes, lets also not forget that she wants them to pronounce scones “scawns”. I have no idea what a scawn is lady, but I do know what a scone is. WTF? The look on the noblemen’s face trying to physically force down the “spotted dick” was beyond priceless
Have a slice of VD with your tea
This however, was not the highlight of the show. Next up, a woman I like to call BBC (bitch be crazy!). She had Rosie get her a wedding dress. BBC decided she didn’t like it and had a tailer hack the shit out of it, to the point where her boobs were hanging out like a lopsided mule. On her day off, Rosie had to go find pregnant lady dresses on the wedding day, while Bitch-Be-Crazy is screaming at her bridal party, “I NEED A SCISSOR!” This has quickly become my favorite catch phrase, like a kid with Tourette’s. I’ve managed to incorporate it into my everyday life:
Stuck in traffic? “I NEED A SCISSOR!”.
Fresh out of gum? “I NEED A SCISSOR!”
Oh hey, find yourself hurtling full speed into a steaming pit of lava? “I STILL NEED A SCISSOR!”
After the wedding, BBC goes into labor. She then decides to give birth in her original wedding dress. Which, if it didn’t already look like it survived a zombie apocalypse, certainly did after!