There are a few odd folks that live in my area. One of them talks to chipmunks and feeds them peanuts. He does this while sporting an orange sweatband across his long locks. There is another guy that decided to take a dump in the back patio of my apartment. I blame “Dump Guy” on my upstairs neighbors, that thought it would be a “good idea” to party with him. There is also the “L Street Mechanic Guy”. He can be seen on most weekdays with his long spindly legs sticking out from under his 1995 Honda Civic along the bend of our narrow street. How this man still has legs, is a mystery to me! Moronic college students like to play chicken while driving 50MPH down the street. He also has an impressive (what I like to call) Bald Eagle Mullet. Lastly, there is Robe Guy. Robe Guy is my favorite!
As soon as I moved in, I spotted him on his front porch. He was sporting a red flannel robe while totting a large bottle of whiskey. This was at 11AM. It turns out that Robe Guy is a cab driver! Next time I need a cab, I’m going to call his company and ask for Robe Guy. I just want to be friends with him, so we can get hooked up with cab rides when we’re in a pinch. I imagine us calling the cab company and getting connected with Robe Guy. We’ll chat and laugh during our 3 mile commute and become BFF’s. Perhaps he will be a cool dude and give us a free ride once in awhile, we’ll be sure to tip our friend generously. So Robe Guy, will you be our new BFF?!
On Thursday, Andy and I got some exciting news. Our application to adopt a dog was approved. We are both psyched. I couldn’t get home fast enough on Friday to meet my new doggie. This is what I imagine his dating profile looking like:
Hello. My name is Zorro. I’m about 1 year old, I don’t talk much because I’m too busy licking things like car windows and my owners legs. I’m a husky/mystery mix, not even I know what I am (aside from awesome)! I also like to dive in my water bucket. I think it’s because have webbed paws (HELLO LADIES!) and like to swim. I drool a lot. I use my daddy as a chew toy and follow my mom around the house, I want to make sure she is safe from zombie attacks. COME SEE HOW GOOD I LOOK!
I’m modest too.
RIP Goose, you were a good friend before I ripped your head off.
I hope you all had a fab Thanksgiving. Mine was quite entertaining, to put it mildly. My teenage nephews thought it would be a good idea to go hiking in the woods outside my brothers house with his slingshot. Yes, my 35-yr-old brother owns a slingshot. Once they came back, we all spread out around 3 rooms stuffing our faces with turkey and various sides. Side note: I totes made pumpkin crescent rolls!
Awhile later, my nephews were teasing each other about ticks. They were jokingly trying to psych themselves out. Unfortunately for them, there was more than just a grain of truth to their jokes. They must have gone through a tick nest because one of my nephews began freaking out after spotting several ticks on the inside of his shirt. He bolted upstairs and was flailing around in his boxers like he caught fire. Once the tick infestation was discovered, my other two nephews began to follow suit (or suit-less, as it were). So yeah, my brother got up from his turkey dinner once he heard all the commotion upstairs. We had to put their clothes into garbage bags and toss them on the front lawn. They had to shower and change into my brothers clothes, which were too short (my nephews are skyscrapers).
My brother-in-law and I began scouring the downstairs for ticks. I hate bugs! They should know better than to invade my personal space (ie the great indoors!). I have sharp eyes, and was able to spot 5 or so spread across several rooms. My brother-in-law and I went on a tick hunt. I was the bloodhound, and he was the hunter. We carried around a box of tissues to squish those fuckers! Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that my sister-in-laws baby nephew, got sick and vomited near the dinner table. We are quite the party animals!
Thus far, I haven’t spotted any ticks on me yet, but it still freaks me the fuck out!
[EDIT] I forgot to mention that we also gave eachother mustaches, thanks to the Stachematic. Happy #Movember [/EDIT]
This is what happens when everyone has too much Flying Dog at a party, and Mad Libs is played:
“I can’t stop thinking about your burns, the way you wear your rape, the way you toss your pussy.”
“My navel skipped a beat, my armpit was in my throat, and my side boobtrembled so much, I could hardly fondle your priest. What you said set my childon fire”
“Over 8675309% of Americans walk our gay streets with a hand-held Bag-O-Dicks pressed against their face. “
“This is a surprise party for Matt…
Russ bought her a beautiful copper dick that she can wear on her lovely beard. And our hostess got her a dozen penises“
I laughed so hard I lost my voice!
Captured in Slummaville at a bar in Davis. Check out the “sexy” older woman and the LSD dancin’ machine
I captured this “gem” at a bar in Baltimore. Please note the pit stains.
Since this sweater wasn’t ugly enough in the 80s’/early 90s’ H&M is taking the liberty of bringin’ it back. I’d like to punch these people in the throat in addition to whoever thought it was a “good idea” to resurrect the gladiator sandal from it’s hideous grave.