That email excerpt I sent to a friend pretty much sums up my situation. I had returned to town from my friends birthday outing and decided to attend the house party at his apartment. I had enjoyed exactly two sips of my beer before he backed into me by mistake thus forcing my beer to high-five my tooth. I bolted into the bathroom to inspect the damage. I was a bit shocked at the sight at first. My lip was bleeding a little making me look like I just ate a live squirrel with my awesome new snaggletooth, or possibly survived a zombie apocalypse. Once the initial shock and realization that I now look like hick wore off, I began to laugh. Boyfriend was perplexed.
“Why are you laughing?”
“If I don’t laugh, I’ll cry.”
“I am so sorry babe! (repeat x50)”
The next morning I left a message for my dentist. I tried to sound extremely upset, which probably only came off as slightly not calm. Acting is not my forte, folks. Not that it mattered, I knew I wouldn’t get a call back until Monday. I tried in vain to think of ways to hide my new found dental deformity.
1) Try to speak with lips curled under teeth. FAIL, it makes me almost lisp and sound like an old lady that dropped her teeth into the potato salad.
2) Try my hand at non-verbal communication. FAIL, I communicate verbally too well.
3) Try not to smile. FAIL, I smile to much. That needs to fucking change!
4) Acquire a fancy geisha fan and take a sudden interest in Kabuki. FAIL, I’m female also I’m not very good at being Japanese.
5) Paint my face white and become a mime. FAIL, pretend boxes freak me out and I still lose at pretend tug-of-war.
6) Steal Stephen Hawkings computer aided voice box. I never got to attempt this one, so I can’t consider it a failure.
7) Become a ventriloquist. FAIL, I hate dolls and I’m not good at being weird. Though, I am good at speaking to (yelling at) uncooperative inanimate objects.
8 ) Try this?
FAIL, it makes me look like a Cheshire cat. Or is that a win?
Now I must go back to “watching” Inception. I have no idea what is going on right now, but I don’t think I would understand this movie even if I was paying attention. This may be another Netflix queue fail for me.
PS. My dentist is awesome and managed to squeeze me on Monday. No more dental drama for me and my post about failing!