BACON & FREE MAGAZINES

Homer-reads-Archie-500

Remember when you used to have to pay to get magazine subscriptions? Let me tell you, I miss those times! I’ve suddenly become a victim of several free magazine subscriptions, and I don’t have time or patience to read them. I prefer books, or  rediscovering a cartoon series that ended in 2000 but is now on Netflix and/or Amazon and I feel the need to burn a hole on my couch re-watching it.

I have a vague (very good) idea how this all began. I do a lot of online shopping because I’m too lazy to drive to the mall (I even live fairly close to several malls). When you think you’re done buying your online shit…BAM they hit you with a page asking you to pick a free elebenty month subscription to Cat Fancy. I generally don’t click on any of the magazine options, assuming that will just void my interest in free magazines. Oh no, dear diary! Not clicking anything just gets you a free subscription to some teeny-bopper magazine of Forever 21’s choice! Something wretched you wouldn’t even read in 6th grade, with hunky teen sensation Taylor Hanson gracing the cover! I made this lowly discovery just today when I ordered concert tickets and ALMOST missed un-checking the tiny check box that would have added Rolling Stone to my laundry list of free magazines. 

Thus far, I have involuntary subscriptions to the below magazines:

– Teen Vogue (at age 16 I couldn’t afford a $300 pair of Buffalo jeans, why the hell would I start now?)

– Teen Vogue 2 (or something similar)

– Women’s Health (at least I don’t feel creepy having a forced subscription to this one)

– Entertainment Weekly

– Sports Illustrated (it’s going to be so awkward when they send me the swimsuit edition!)

The funny thing, these all go to my parents house not my apartment. So each week  I visit my parents and return with a heaping pile of magazines and lasagna, which the magazines unceremoniously get tossed into a recycling bin. Perhaps I should host a giveaway on my blog? The first spam-bot that comments on this post, will be the unfortunate recipient of 12 weekly magazine subscriptions. You’re welcome 0xx_ase_#11 Canad1an Phz7smacy!

Dear desperate magazine companies, PLEASE UNSUBSCRIBE ME!

Now for part two of my rant. What is with bacon being super popular? I love bacon probably more than the average bear, but seeing it everywhere and in everything is getting on my nerves! This is really saying something, because in college my roomate and I would rise at the crack of 9:56AM to elbow bitches out of our way for the remaining bacon crumbs in the cafeteria. We took baconing seriously at FSC! 

I guess I should be grateful it’s ‘merican bacon that’s trending, and not the Canadian stuff. Sorry my Canadian brethren, I think Canadian bacon is deceptive! It should really just be called Canadian-circular-ham-slices. Has a nice ring to it, no? I can’t wait until bacon isn’t a thing anymore, it breaks my greasy heart to see it misused at every hipster-type pub or bakery. 

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Stop bacon abuse, you’re ruining it for everyone!

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3 Comments

Filed under annoyances, food, funny

3 responses to “BACON & FREE MAGAZINES

  1. Sounds to me like you need to subscribe to Bacon Monthly.

  2. terra

    I don’t even know if I could stand to look at any of the magazines I read as a teenager. Like Seventeen? I’m sure that’s full of ridiculous and silly things.

  3. Dude, I have been asking that for a long time now. WTF IS THE DEAL WITH BACON. I mean, it’s okay. I don’t even like it that much. (Which I’m sure will put me on a List somewhere, but whatever.) We have a Bacon Fest in DSM every year. I mean, I’m not sure if it has always been a Thing (I mean, Iowa = pigs = pork + bacon) but if it was, it’s now a hipster event. I DON’T GET IT….

    Also you should donate your magazines to a library or a women’s shelter or something. You could possibly get a tax writeoff or some such. I don’t know how it works. But it would make you a hero. Basically.

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