FOR A GOOD TIME, CALL GROWN-UP JENNY

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In between weekend activities, I decided to watch Forrest Gump. Full disclosure, I haven’t watched this movie in it’s entirety since the ’90s (whoa, that makes me sound old). I just have this weird phobia against re-watching movies that are over 2 hours long, makes me feel trapped or something. Doesn’t matter that Forrest Gump is a great movie. But enough about my strange issue with lengthy movies. I guess I never realized how much of a dick grown-up Jenny is. She started off nice enough, letting Forrest sit with her when nobody else would.

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She also taught him how to climb trees and read.

forrest_and_jenny_on_tree_peas_and_carrotsEven teenage Jenny stood up for Forrest, when the older kids that threw rocks traded in their bikes for a shitty pickup truck.

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But then they go to college and Jenny becomes an asshole. She gets mad at Forrest for ripping that rape-y guy off her in a car. Then she wanders off and decides to take up the nude-guitar and gets mad at Forrest for telling off the rude guys. When Forrest confesses his love for her, she quickly hitches a ride with a random dude to “wherever” to get the hell away from him. When Forrest mother dies, she is not there to console him.

Instead, when she becomes homeless, she decides to mooch off of Forrest and live in his house until he asks her to marry him. OH HOW HORRIBLE THAT MUST HAVE BEEN FOR HER! Heaven forbid a nice man that isn’t a douche, and showers regularly, asks for her grimy hand. But before she callously abandons him, she has sex with him. Because you know, sex totally makes up for repeatedly ripping this mans heart out, and giving back his medal of honor. Totally!

Years later, she asks Forrest to visit her. She then decides to tell Forrest he has a son named Haley Joel Osment. She also casually mentions that she has the HIV or something (probably from shared needles or sitting on an infested stool while nude-guitaring), and asks Forrest to marry her. I mean, why now? She is dying anyway, and she has to dump the kid with someone, right? I just hope she didn’t have the HIV when she slept with Forrest! That would make for a horrible sequel that I’m sure they’ll do eventually, since they like to make sequels for movies 20 years after the fact.

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ON TOP OF THAT, she picks the ugliest effing skirt wedding dress I’ve ever seen. Then, she decides to die. That wench!

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